Photo by b40deep on Unsplash

It’s really hard to articulate just how much of an existential crisis being trans is. There are so many other voices detailing transness, with the hope of reaching other people who are beginning their journeys. And despite all these available voices, we’ve all had a hard time expressing how being trans is a question of what it means to be human.

As someone discovering their feminine self and expression, I’ve had to ask myself this massive, near-impossible-to-answer question: What does womanhood mean to me? What has it meant to me when I haven’t realized it until now? …

I did not become someone different that I did not want to be. But I’m new here. Will you show me around?

Gil Scott-Heron, Makaya McCraven — I’m New Here

Where am I now?

Right now I feel less scared. I feel I understand the fear and tears that have been shed by me and loved ones. But I’m not as scared to continue.

I still get frustrated with myself. …

Journal Entry, 10/11/20:

I felt Her again last night after watching clips of Laura Jane Grace and Against Me! play 4 albums and an acoustic set at The Fest from last year. I finished reading her memoir on my girlfriend and I’s camping trip Friday morning and it ended on a really bittersweet note. LJG had come out, but was in the process of both reconstruction of her new self and the deconstruction of her old self. Divorce; the band’s future being uncertain. …

Part 1: Laura

Laura Jane Grace. Photo by Alexa Viscius

Have you ever felt, in a brief yet overwhelming moment, that the life of a public figure has some message for you?

I normally feel kind of embarrassed when I feel an emotional attachment to a public figure. I’ve never been into celebrity culture, and oftentimes I feel like I’m on the outside looking in when people are celebrating or admonishing a public figure for doing this or that. The awkward part is that because of our societal structure, what these people do (or are reported to have done) admittedly has some effect on the wider population. If a celebrity…

This is an excerpt from a conversation I’ve been having with a new trans friend:

Thanks so much for the link [MA]. I’m looking forward to calling TransLifeline someday especially.

A lot of the stress I’ve been having lately I’ve realized is based almost entirely in the realm of the hypothetical, the hypothetical consequences, etc. etc. I kind of realized that a lot of what I was imagining wasn’t in line with who I actually feel like I am. The main reason questioning my gender was so significant for me was that I actually felt “real” to myself, you know…

September 20, 2020

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

This is a moment I experience very often: when I’m engaging with anything LGBTQ related, whether it’s more in-depth like the books I’ve gotten recently (“Genderqueer,” by Maia Kobabe and “Our Dreams at Dusk,” by Yuhki Kamatani) or on reddit or instagram, there comes a point where some part of me gets seriously engaged more than casually, and my mood changes. A part of me wants something very badly, but I don’t know what it is. As in, I wish it was obvious to me what I wanted to “achieve” physically. I want something badly but I…

Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash

This morning I realized something important. I needed to have more forgiveness toward my partner about their reaction when I came out as nonbinary to them. I thought I had already forgiven them. But what I really did was reconcile with their reaction with a veil of forgiveness.

I say “reconcile” because looking back, whenever I’ve said or done something that is really important or vital for me and it causes a strong, negative-leaning reaction in the person who needs to hear it (romantic partners, parents, siblings, etc.), I feel, immediately, the responsibility and the guilt of having caused that…

What do I want exactly? What’s next? Do I want to become someone else, so strongly that I can put my past self away? Am I performing alchemy on my sense of self? Do I want to integrate all that I am? Do I actually believe that it’s possible? As in, never before have I believed that actualization, individuation was possible for myself. I would desperately search for clues and every hint I received was a ‘no.’ I don’t want to discredit myself at every turn. This is something that I know I know: that I searched desperately for hints…

Recently I’ve begun working through the book How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are, by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker. But initially, I wasn’t ready to take my time with the questions I was asking myself.

Looking back, I treated the beginning of questioning my gender like I was self-diagnosing myself in an emergency room. Without trying to be too harsh on myself, I’d go as far as to say that my behavior at first was manic.

A friend of a friend I know from college moved to California before I did, and around…

Photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash

I do a lot of journaling when I’m at work. While tutoring, during team meetings, while preparing for sessions, and reflecting after sessions are through. I started doing this because I may be feeling something completely unrelated to what I’m doing at that moment. But if I haven’t acknowledged where the feeling is coming from, in the moment I’ll think I arrived in the present — as a tutor, as a coworker — completely uncouth and unable to get a handle on myself. Writing down my thoughts when I’m able to — my insecurities, what I notice about the people…


They/them. Nonbinary. POC. Biracial. Bicoastal. Empath. HSP. 9. Triple Cancer. Liminal.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store