This is an excerpt from a conversation I’ve been having with a new trans friend:
Thanks so much for the link [MA]. I’m looking forward to calling TransLifeline someday especially.
A lot of the stress I’ve been having lately I’ve realized is based almost entirely in the realm of the hypothetical, the hypothetical consequences, etc. etc. I kind of realized that a lot of what I was imagining wasn’t in line with who I actually feel like I am. The main reason questioning my gender was so significant for me was that I actually felt “real” to myself, you know? So lately (i.e., the last couple days) I’ve been like:
“If everything is/would be okay, whatever outcome — hell, even if everyone I know would be accepting of whatever decisions I make, what would I feel like?”
What would it feel like to be more fully me? And so I’ve been trying to feel like I’m actually in my body while still feeling “real.”
Yesterday was an interesting experience in this. So I started a new job recently and got a bunch of more professional-looking clothes for it (can’t wear joggers forever unfortunately). I got two pairs of pants from Wildfang, which is a women’s brand but steering toward gender neutral fitting. And a bunch of collarless button-ups that are a little on the baggier side. Last week I started tucking in the shirts because I liked the look of it better, and yesterday I was suddenly reminded of these old pictures of my mom wearing something similar. No one in my family has ever been very “girly” (except for maybe my aunt being militant about never leaving the house without makeup), and knowing my mom has always been pretty pragmatic with her hairstyle and clothing, the pictures I was remembering was also when she loved to workout. I think they were from right before she had me and my older sis, and all of a sudden I felt so…valid — in my loose button-up with rolled-up sleeves.
All of a sudden it was so much easier to imagine what I might look like (and might WANT to look like) on HRT, and it strangely felt so cool to wonder about emulating my mom’s old fashion sense while feeling comfortable imagining what I would find cool to add of my own. I felt like I understood her better. I felt like it could be a way to honor her. I haven’t actually felt anything like that before. Yes, it was still hypothetical, but it was still so grounded in reality and precedence for the first time! (Long story short, it was nice to feel something of my own in this area instead of trying to see how I fit into the “skirt go spinny” meme unsuccessfully).
I just wanted to share that experience with you. When I have those moments of embodiment, I always wish it could last all day, but I’ve been trying to accept cherishing it more when I do feel it and knowing that it’ll come back (it’s a lot of effort to try and pull it back after coming home from work and having bad sleep).
Thanks again [MA].
