I did not become someone different that I did not want to be. But I’m new here. Will you show me around?
Gil Scott-Heron, Makaya McCraven — I’m New Here
Where am I now?
Right now I feel less scared. I feel I understand the fear and tears that have been shed by me and loved ones. But I’m not as scared to continue.
I still get frustrated with myself. But I’ve begun to feel a lightness, with the help of medication; understanding that I’m deeply loved; and realizing, more and more each day, that the confused memories stored underneath dark water are beginning to find their answers.
I thought I would be more mortified to feel okay. Like when the roller coaster car begins its fall. Here comes the bottom. But you’ll probably survive.
And then other times, They’re already here. I kiss with their lips, wrap my arms around my partner’s neck with their arms. Slouch leaning on one of her legs. You noticed the difference. And I never said no; never shut the door on the possibility. I just didn’t want to lose you.
I’m lost in a good way. There’s still fear, but it gently nudges my shoulder blades, instead of thrusting its palms into my chest.
I’ve been told that there’s no need to be defensive (anymore). I’ve saved up enough. I escaped the concept of the enemy. And when I tell myself that justification doesn’t have to be my mother tongue, I believe it. I’m beginning to believe it.
My two largest tasks/dreams ahead of me. Changing my external self while traveling deeper into my internal self. Enough to last many years.
